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The HOLIDAY I Needed ... the HOLIDAY I Got ...

20/7/2016

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Holidays are a great place to come home to the heart.
 
Port Douglas for 7 days. A dream holiday to escape winter.
 
Yes I did it… we drew on the 'FI Account' and booked a last minute deal with only 5 sleeps till we stepped on the plane and arrived at our beautiful tropical apartment with all the comforts we needed and literally a 2 minute walk to the beach.
 
All I wanted to do was relax by the pool, walk along the beach, swim, read my book and share the experience with John. We were in our own pocket of Paradise; so content cooking delicious meals on the BBQ, sipping on lattes and wine and enjoying just being. We both had new books to read and the TV remained off.
 
On day three John was feeling exhausted and not so enthusiastic about joining me for a walk saying: "I am so glad we booked this holiday. I really needed it". By day 4 his exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm hit him hard and it was obvious a bug had set in. First some coughing, then a runny nose and finally a headache that kept getting worse and finally became a migraine. So day 4, 5 and 6 of our holiday became a wipeout for John and the dream holiday experience for us as a couple became a nightmare!
 
So here I was with the holiday I wanted suddenly taken away from me. A roller coaster of emotions and feelings surfaced as I observed the situation and reflected on how it all turned out to be like this.
 
Ah yes… the back story.
 
Back to the week earlier when I booked the holiday package on the Thursday and our flight was early the following Tuesday.
 
On the Friday night John’s band was playing and one of the band members asked John for a lift to the gig. Halfway there he told us he was really sick with a bug!!!!!! I opened my window at that point! Not impressed! The next night - Saturday - they had another gig two hours away and he had already asked John for a lift to that as well. Why take two cars all that distance? But now I said to John, "not a good idea driving all that way with him so sick. Remember we have a holiday booked next week". Though concerned, John kept to the arrangement. They spent two hours driving there and two hours driving back on Saturday night!
 
So now, here we are in tropical Queensland on our amazing holiday and John has come down with the bug big time! It’s only day four!!! I was so pissed off and the emotions were bursting inside of me and out of me in waves.
 
WHOA!!!
 
This was a time to embrace all my feelings and find a way to make the most of the holiday… FOR ME!!!
 
So I allowed myself to walk with my anger along 4 mile beach and dug deep inside to find the essence of what this experience was triggering in me. It was deep… the feelings of 'you just have to understand'… 'this is the way it is'… 'you will just have to wait'… 'this is more important'… 'your needs will have to be put on hold'…
 
So, in essence, my programming was getting in the way of my needs.
 
So what happened?
 
Firstly I acknowledged the situation. The holiday I wanted with John was no longer happening, that was clear.
Secondly I expressed my feelings to John reminding him of 'the back story'. I really needed to get that off my chest. That said, my man was sick so I also expressed compassion. This was no fun for him either.
Thirdly I sprinkled eucalyptus oil all round the apartment to protect myself from his bug.
Fourthly, and most importantly, I made MY now solo holiday MY priority.
 
Everyday I had several walks along the beach. I swam in the warm ocean, I swam in the pool, I read my book. I treated myself to lattes and brunches overlooking the water at the marina. I met some wonderful people. I laughed, I cried, I felt pissed off then I enjoyed the freedom of being me again.
 
Some days were sunny, some were cloudy and some were raining. All in all the perfect environment for me to be in touch with all my emotions and feelings and celebrate being me.
 
Day 7 was the icing on the cake. While John was still weak he was able to join me at the marina and share some of the delights I had discovered and experienced while he lay in bed. The bonus was the sun that now came shining through even though the weather bureau had forecast heavy rain and possible storms on our last day in paradise.
 
As I reflect now ... It was the holiday I needed.
 
From John’s perspective I’m not so sure he would agree it was exactly the holiday he had in mind.


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My Mother Collapsed Yesterday And The Doctor Was Called – by John Taylor

3/7/2016

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My mother collapsed yesterday and the doctor was called. She lives in a retirement village in Sydney and I live in Melbourne. My sister rang with the news and provided updates as the doctor decided hospital was a good idea and an ambulance was called.

Pneumonia in her right lung is the diagnosis with assurances she is in good hands. My sister is keeping tabs on everything.

Its moments like this when reality sweeps in and bites you on the bum. While my mum doesn’t have a lot to say about much of anything she is still my mother, the woman who raised three children and looked after us as best she could. The fact she herself is the result of an over domineering father and a soft pampered mother who couldn’t cope with raising her own two kids resulted in my mother lacking a confidence in her own abilities so much of the time. She admitted once that she used to go back to bed at one time when the last of us was finally out the door and off to school.

I think I’m reminiscing here because my mother’s mortality is suddenly in my face. She’s 94 and I thought I was prepared for whatever might suddenly happen with her but yesterday’s call shows I was wrong. As John Lennon sings, ‘you don’t know what you got until you lose it’. My mum is still hanging in there but the fact she is no longer invincible is more real this morning than it was 24 hours ago. And I feel a fear with that now. 
She’s my mother... the woman I instinctively turned to as a child, the woman who nursed me, cared for me and helped me get through childhood. She did what she could as well as she could and I will always always love her unconditionally for that.

So now I wait for the next update from my sister who has been managing my mother’s affairs and everything else to do with her primary care and wellbeing for the last few years. I don’t know what I’d be doing without her steady hand. Sydney is only a short plane trip away but my sister assures me the doctors are confident for now that she should come through and be back in the retirement village as soon as possible.

Words... 

Yes my mother will die at some time as I will. We don’t know when but that simple fact is inevitable. We all die.
So why is that impending feeling of loss so unsettling? Mum said years ago that she was tired of it all yet her strong constitution defies her body which just keeps pulling her along. I expect that to be what happens now. I expect her to be getting a telegram from the Queen or King Charles or whoever when she reaches 100. She may still break the records for world’s oldest living human being.

I’m scared anyway. She’s my mum after all and now she’s got pneumonia. I’m down here and she’s up there. She’s probably ok. We’ll know more tomorrow.

I love you mum.

PS: It’s the day after and my sister reports mum is looking soooooo much better today than yesterday when she was looking like crap, constantly removing the oxygen mask and pulling out the monitor things. Her amazing nurses report she’s keeping them on their toes. My sister got a bedside phone set up and we rang her this afternoon and I managed some chat between the coughing.

She’s still right in the middle of this and fragile, and her usual confusions are there, but I did get a laugh or two. For me that is a reassuring indicator that I can maybe call the Queen back and re-book that telegram. Wishful thinking? I hope not.

Go mum.

_______________________________

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I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO CONFRONT ‘THE ENEMY’ . . .

10/3/2016

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By John Taylor

Years ago I was in a working relationship with a group of young men who, like myself, had dreams of taking our adventure to the highest levels possible. Unfortunately it all came crashing down when a principal person decided he wanted to separate the group and a couple of us were left stranded.

It hit me very hard, to say the least. In fact, it hit me so hard I stopped doing something I had a passion for simply because I was full of so much frustrated anger and blame towards this person, feelings I have carried for the ensuing 33 plus years. In hindsight it includes feelings of dis-empowerment: that horrible emptiness when you believe you no longer have control over the important things in your life.

And then, not so long ago, this person came back into my life in an unexpected way: asking to ‘friend’ up on social media.
 
My initial reaction was confusion. I asked myself: ‘what can I gain by spending any time interacting with this man? Why bother? Life is too short and why stir up the old grievances?

But then a strange thing happened: I recognised that, while I was definitely, absolutely still carrying anger and frustration towards this person I no longer wanted to be doing that. In fact I had a clear feeling that it was time to put it all to rest… to somehow let it out or maybe even let it go. And that felt good… as a concept anyway.

So contact was made and a dialogue began. I honestly admitted to him that I was unsure about re-connecting and he came straight back with total understanding. In fact, he told me why I should be carrying bad feelings towards him for what happened all those years ago. Whoa!

I decided to write out how I felt and send it to him. Then, if he was totally clear as to why I still carried animosity then he could decide whether or not to continue.

My first letter turned out to be full of blame. I listed all the reasons why it was all his fault and everything I ever felt about everything he had done to me. It wasn’t pretty.

Jude pointed out I’d basically written ‘hate mail’ when I ran it past her to see if I’d expressed myself clearly. Blame doesn’t work, she reminded me… try expressing your feelings instead.

Take #2 worked much better. I found myself writing feelings and how what happened all those years ago was still hanging around in me. I explained the impact it had on me rather than blaming him…. and an interesting thing happened. He responded by fully taking responsibility for who he was back then, and for everything that happened as a result of his decisions and actions at the time.

Whoa #2…

After some more back and forth he suggested we meet up - which we did –and it was a very interesting evening. I now know I have moved through all this thanks to his willingness to allow me to confront him personally as well as my own feelings. What began as a catch-up that shifted through more open honesty finally became a very pleasant reunion. After all, not only had we shared a powerful experience back in those heady days, we also found we now had more than a few things in common.

I learned that his own story is a cross-section of self-confrontation in itself, and that he survived a time where he could easily have collapsed into his own demise. Instead he worked through it all and grew to become the man who has now enabled me to deal with the after-effects of our time together.

I now feel as though a horrible weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In many ways I now feel free. Yes, what happened happened… but now I no longer find the memory of those events fills me with darkness or unresolved regret.
_________

As a learning, growing experience I can honestly recommend looking at anything that’s weighing you down as objectively as you can. Maybe seek help with that. Then see if there is something you can do to empower yourself to move through it.

And what about grudges? They’re something we carry like dead weight if we allow them to fester. And that festering can become something worse if we allow it. Revenge comes from this type of energy and revenge is a dish best served up on a movie screen for quick entertainment. I mean, too many of the world’s conflicts come from grudges and blame.

In hindsight, when I look back over those angry, confused, unresolved issues I carried over 33 years I am now thankful I have had the opportunity to confront them and move on. What I learnt is that ‘The Enemy’ isn’t always the person you harbor a grudge against, it’s the grudge itself.

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Aloha, Beautiful Sister - by John Taylor

1/9/2015

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This past week I have been feeling so very heavy. It’s like I am in the middle of soft padding that envelopes me from way deep inside.

My sister died and that’s what it is. She wanted to go and was so looking forward to the journey. Her Angels/Guides have helped her by cushioning us from the immediate grief. I believe they have done this so our emotions don’t get in the way of her passing. That’s how I feel it, anyway.

To understand that statement you really needed to have known my sister. Not just a shallow ‘Hi, how you going” acquaintance but more to have been a part of her inner circle of colleagues and friends and patients… those who ‘knew’ her. These were the only people who understood what she did for a living, so to speak. She didn’t say much about her work or her life and that goes way back, too.

I cry with sad happiness that my beautiful sister has ‘gone home’ again. While we didn’t manage to cross paths so much in these last years I will always miss her. I know she is in my heart space and helped me in this lifetime in ways I can never explain or fully comprehend. Even when we were younger her generosity shone through. That’s what good sisters do. It’s part of the life and living process we share.

She was one of the few people who tried to never judge another as she understood we are all on a journey and it’s not an easy ride. She hardly ever gave an opinion without being asked, something I’m not sure I am capable of. She felt a darkness in so many technologies and preferred to live ‘with’ people rather than via computers. I know she tried them once, didn’t like it and let it all go.

While her body slowly fell apart from childhood ailments she had the most wonderful smile. She always saw the best in everyone, even those whose confusions tried to bring others down.

Light always casts shadows unless, perhaps, it shines within a place where there is only Light.

Aloha Marilyn. Our beautiful sister.



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Jude's Mum Found This Treasure

27/7/2015

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by John Taylor

We're sitting in a small cafe that has panache… style... a certain elegance. Cavallini.

 Jude’s mum loved this place and enjoyed bringing us here. Jude’s mum had that same certain style and the wonderful ability to find gorgeous places like this.

The upside is the coffee and cakes are superb, the downside being that it’s a cold, rainy winter day here in Melbourne and our favourite seat in the front window is right next to the front door. If I wanted to study people’s door opening and closing habits I’m in the perfect position. A front row seat.

I have never been to Italy or France but Jude says this place captures the European flavour. Candelabras, lamps, ornately framed mirrors, quaint gold-edged round tables, bent-frame wooden chairs... It feels good to just be here.

A small girl is holding the door open for her mum and the chill breeze creeps down the back of my neck and under my scarf. Her mother apologises but I assure them it’s ok. After all, it is actually better than that because our cheesecake and lattes just arrived. Yum. This is the reason we drive all this way. Sunday Cafe Heaven. Liquid poetry with mouth-melting creamery on the side.

It occurs to me that if it wasn't raining I'd probably be home mowing the lawn. Thank goodness it’s a rainy Melbourne winter day, thank goodness Shirl found this treasure and thank goodness Jude said "lets go to Cavallini." 

Another cold draft hits the back of my neck as someone else comes in the door. I hardly notice. Right now, inside Cavallini on a cold, Melbourne Winter’s day there are more pleasurable things to be doing.


LINKS
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/Judy-Taylor-Grief-Healing-Love-Inspiration-Hope-724885690872207/ 

Twitter: 
https://twitter.com/JudyTaylor2014

Amazon Author’s page: 
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B018LQJ5SC

Youtube: 
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPGoVDdQ3PG1YLJs4fA3QgA

Join Our Mailing List: 
http://www.positivesigns.com.au/join-mailing-list.html

Audio Visualisations: 
http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/PositiveSigns

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Mind Body Spirit Festival - John's POV

8/6/2015

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SATURDAY 6th JUNE 2015 - MBS FESTIVAL DAY #1

It's mid-morning and we're up and out and heading into the Mind Body Spirit Festival at the Melbourne Exhibition Building. Today Jude is signing and promoting her ‘MUM MOMENTS – Journey Through Grief’ book on the Phoenix stand while tomorrow is her 'Writing As A Healing Tool' Presentation to a live audience. (links below)

Phoenix look after the Australian distribution of the paperback for us and sharing space with their many well known authors is a wonderful opportunity to get Jude’s book out to a whole new audience. It’s also good to be chatting to other authors on the stand and see how the whole things works.

Plus there’s an interesting look-see into the MBS Festival from behind the scenes, how tomorrow’s presentation in the Speakers Lounge is physically set up, planning everything we’ll need and generally making sure we're organised in advance. So as we spend time slowly cruising up and down and around the streets behind the venue looking for somewhere to park I’m hoping it will all be an exciting weekend.

We finally find a park, make our way inside, book in, get our ID badges and find Phoenix. They have a large stand where two busy aisles meet a busy thoroughfare with a zillion people constantly cruising past. We set up alongside other authors on their presentation table and Jude settles in. She loves this stuff and is in her element already. It begins.

While Jude is doing her thing, meeting people and discussing the ‘Mum Moments’ journey I take the chance to wander around. There are so many stalls and so many products on sale its a little overwhelming but I start sensibly by finding a good strong latte. Coffee and I agreed to get along many years ago as long as it's made by a good barista, it’s impressively strong and I limit myself to one a day. There is always some trepidation in buying from those less-permanent mobile stands but this is a nice coffee so I'm happy. Now I’m ready for anything.

Mind Body Spirit covers a lot of subjects and, as I mentioned, that’s what I find inside. There are people promoting everything from crystals to natural nougat to Chinese acupressure to whatever you can find or do for your Mind, Body and/or Spirit and pretty soon I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.

 Maybe it’s not the best decision to work my way around such a busy, closely-packed venue with fresh strong caffeine surging through my system and I need to take a break after an hour or so. The energy in there is a mish-mash of everything all happening at once and a busy-ness like a peak hour railway platform. The term ‘Controlled Franticity’ comes to mind so I add that to my computer dictionary. Maybe there’s a Wikipedia of new terms I can add it to or a Guinness Book Of Records entry for useless descriptives? Maybe not.

I check on Jude and she’s happily chatting with people at the Phoenix stand. She’s already spoken with a lot of people still grieving the loss of a loved ones and one lady who lost her mum just this last week. Jude tells me they are all so relieved to find someone who understands their grieving and who lets them know their confusions to do with the extremes of grieving are a normal part of the process.

I escape the building and regroup with a mixed curry at the Crown Casino food hall, sharing a table with 2 ladies talking about the festival and planning the rest of their weekend. It seems they are having an exciting time and can’t wait to tell Tina and Doris, whoever they are. I try hard not to eavesdrop but it’s difficult when they talk so loud, even with their mouths full. Maybe I’ll bring some earplugs tomorrow?

SUNDAY 7th JUNE 2015 - MBS FESTIVAL DAY #2
Today our son turns 23 but he's fast asleep as we get organised for day #2 and head out the door. Birthdays are well celebrated at our place but this one won't kick in as a celebration for us as a family until tonight when we get together at a very nice restaurant of Jack's choosing.

This might sound upside-down but it suits us all. Jack stays up very late every night unless he is coaching tennis in the morning and, right now, the French Open is on pay TV. For some weird reason it's a different time zone in France so his late nights have become later. And because it’s Sunday he won't surface till this afternoon when he'll relax on the couch and catch up with whatever favourite TV series he missed because of the tennis. At the ripe old age of 23 he lives a relatively uncomplicated life.

Meanwhile, back at the MBS Festival parking is a nightmare with cars cruising everywhere waiting to pounce on anyone leaving. And we thought yesterday was bad. So I drop Judy off as close as possible and start my own cruising of adjacent streets, hoping after a while to find a park before I run out of petrol. After all, its Sunday in the city, there’s a massive festival on and I only have a full tank. Tricky. And surely someone is leaving soon? No..?.. how about later? Tonight? Tomorrow?...

By the time I’ve parked in the next state and caught a plane flight back.... ha ha, just kidding... though the space I finally found is about ten times further away than yesterday. It's a good thing I only have to drag my heavy cabin-luggage bag full of stuff, yeah?

Now, today we come equipped with extra copies of the book, extra business cards and more 'Join Our Mailing List' forms we ran out of yesterday. The book is attracting a range of people, many who are carrying issues to do with unresolved grief and Jude is offering hugs to those in need. Jude is giving a lot of hugs.

It's another reminder that grief is a powerful emotional force to be reckoned with and so many of us carry confusions and guilt around it. I mean, how many rules do there seem to be about grieving anyway?

Which is very sad, when you think about it. Everyone experiences grief, it is a normal part of life because 'life' here in this physical world means living AND dying. Death is inevitable for us all and everyone we know. But our western logic sometimes isn’t very logical and those 'rules' get in the way. How to grieve... how not to grieve... 

Time passes, suddenly it's 'coffee time' and I decide to see if the same 'mobile cafe' I went to yesterday can do it again. It can, so I take that as a positive sign and head back across to the Casino food hall for my lunch as well. Life is good.

The day goes quickly. We send a selfie to our boy with a big happy birthday and check in with our daughter who is in the middle of cramming for her university exams. I take a moment to reflect on where I was and what I was doing this day 23 years ago when Jack was born. Time flies, yeah?

Many of Jude’s Facebook friends from Melbourne pop in over the weekend. With her Mum Moments page closing in on 6000 likes despite Facebook continually dropping people off for some reason she knows so many more people than this time last year and the festival is a wonderful opportunity for everyone to catch up. I take a few more photos for this blog and give Jude a break on the stand where I also get to learn about the other books and cards Phoenix's other authors are presenting.  Life is an exciting learning opportunity despite the sore feet and tiredness closing in on me by later afternoon and I’m hoping Jude's stamina holds up for her presentation. 3 days ago she was in bed with the flu.

Jude’s ‘Writing As A Healing Tool’ presentation goes really well. Being scheduled at the end of the day on a Sunday there was always the chance she’d be talking to the cleaners but the seats are filled with an assortment of friendly faces and everyone pays attention. I sit mid-way back with Jude’s I-pad to shoot the video we have up on our Youtube page and settle in for the next three quarters of an hour.

And please feel free to remind me to get a proper tripod next time as my arms start to feel uncomfortable after about five minutes and get a little wobbly not long after that. Jude, too, has a dinky knee and our doctor/sport physio guru has her under orders to not stand longer than fifteen minutes at a time whenever possible. Good thing it’s only a 45 min presentation. Ha ha…. oops…

The thought that we both might fall apart at any moment strikes me as funny so I try zooming in the video image to distract myself. I don’t have an I-Pad but the video controls turn out to be pretty easy. Maybe Apple could somehow build a tripod into the design?

END BIT
By the time we're heading back to the car we're still feeling good. Earlier this afternoon I had to walk back to where I parked this morning to grab another box of books and took the opportunity to find somewhere closer so we don’t have to go far now. Jude’s knee is holding up and my arms survived the video-ing and we share a sense of a job well done. 

We battle the evening traffic, meet up with the kids at Jack’s restaurant of choice and celebrate our boy’s birthday in style. The food is excellent and the company perfect. Plus, as a final positive to end the day, the restaurant owner commented to Jude as we were leaving that he thought our kids must be boyfriend-girlfriend because they got on so well. He said they chatted so easily and obviously enjoyed each other’s company while waiting for us to arrive. Life is good.

(Link to MBS 'Writing As A Healing Tool' video highlights)

LINKS
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/Judy-Taylor-Grief-Healing-Love-Inspiration-Hope-724885690872207/ 

Twitter: 
https://twitter.com/JudyTaylor2014

Amazon Author’s page: 
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B018LQJ5SC

Youtube: 
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPGoVDdQ3PG1YLJs4fA3QgA

Join Our Mailing List: 
http://www.positivesigns.com.au/join-mailing-list.html

Audio Visualisations: 
http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/PositiveSigns

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    Judy Taylor
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