Today I had a project I was working on which took me outside my comfort zone and I so wanted someone else to fix it for me.
John refused to rescue me. I was not happy.
I was stuck and reaching outside of me for the solution ... and then 'I got it'. My intuition reminded me to do what I do best in these situations: "write it out".
So I did ... It started with acknowledging "I'm stuck" and the words flowed from there.
In a short period of time my overview was complete and I was no longer 'stuck',
Reminder to me ... recognise and acknowledge my fears and listen to my intuition.
I now appreciate John's resistance to rescue me. It worked.
By John Taylor
Years ago I was in a working relationship with a group of young men who, like myself, had dreams of taking our adventure to the highest levels possible. Unfortunately it all came crashing down when a principal person decided he wanted to separate the group and a couple of us were left stranded.
It hit me very hard, to say the least. In fact, it hit me so hard I stopped doing something I had a passion for simply because I was full of so much frustrated anger and blame towards this person, feelings I have carried for the ensuing 33 plus years. In hindsight it includes feelings of dis-empowerment: that horrible emptiness when you believe you no longer have control over the important things in your life.
And then, not so long ago, this person came back into my life in an unexpected way: asking to ‘friend’ up on social media.
My initial reaction was confusion. I asked myself: ‘what can I gain by spending any time interacting with this man? Why bother? Life is too short and why stir up the old grievances?
But then a strange thing happened: I recognised that, while I was definitely, absolutely still carrying anger and frustration towards this person I no longer wanted to be doing that. In fact I had a clear feeling that it was time to put it all to rest… to somehow let it out or maybe even let it go. And that felt good… as a concept anyway.
So contact was made and a dialogue began. I honestly admitted to him that I was unsure about re-connecting and he came straight back with total understanding. In fact, he told me why I should be carrying bad feelings towards him for what happened all those years ago. Whoa!
I decided to write out how I felt and send it to him. Then, if he was totally clear as to why I still carried animosity then he could decide whether or not to continue.
My first letter turned out to be full of blame. I listed all the reasons why it was all his fault and everything I ever felt about everything he had done to me. It wasn’t pretty.
Jude pointed out I’d basically written ‘hate mail’ when I ran it past her to see if I’d expressed myself clearly. Blame doesn’t work, she reminded me… try expressing your feelings instead.
Take #2 worked much better. I found myself writing feelings and how what happened all those years ago was still hanging around in me. I explained the impact it had on me rather than blaming him…. and an interesting thing happened. He responded by fully taking responsibility for who he was back then, and for everything that happened as a result of his decisions and actions at the time.
After some more back and forth he suggested we meet up - which we did –and it was a very interesting evening. I now know I have moved through all this thanks to his willingness to allow me to confront him personally as well as my own feelings. What began as a catch-up that shifted through more open honesty finally became a very pleasant reunion. After all, not only had we shared a powerful experience back in those heady days, we also found we now had more than a few things in common.
I learned that his own story is a cross-section of self-confrontation in itself, and that he survived a time where he could easily have collapsed into his own demise. Instead he worked through it all and grew to become the man who has now enabled me to deal with the after-effects of our time together.
I now feel as though a horrible weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In many ways I now feel free. Yes, what happened happened… but now I no longer find the memory of those events fills me with darkness or unresolved regret.
As a learning, growing experience I can honestly recommend looking at anything that’s weighing you down as objectively as you can. Maybe seek help with that. Then see if there is something you can do to empower yourself to move through it.
And what about grudges? They’re something we carry like dead weight if we allow them to fester. And that festering can become something worse if we allow it. Revenge comes from this type of energy and revenge is a dish best served up on a movie screen for quick entertainment. I mean, too many of the world’s conflicts come from grudges and blame.
In hindsight, when I look back over those angry, confused, unresolved issues I carried over 33 years I am now thankful I have had the opportunity to confront them and move on. What I learnt is that ‘The Enemy’ isn’t always the person you harbor a grudge against, it’s the grudge itself.
Two and a half weeks ago I was living my mission one step at a time. The essence of me was shining brightly. I felt good. I felt challenged. I felt willing to continue on my pathway guided by my intuition.
And then ... for the last two weeks I've been stuck in my childhood perceptions of 'who I am' completely depleted of the 'inner knowing of the love that I am'.
I was triggered by a comment made by another person in my birth family about me. This trigger was so, so deep it penetrated way beyond the surface of the ‘me’ that loves and accepts me as I am and delved into the deep dark corners of blame, fault, fear and more.
My sense of self, my sense of knowing, my sense of ‘me’ fell apart as I allowed this dark vision of myself to present as I desperately attempted to push it away.
It was devastating. I was devastated and I felt the deep, deep helplessness of 'there is no way out' … 'there is no resolution' … 'there is just pain and suffering' …
I so, so wanted to fix this, just as I have wanted to fix this since I was a young child.
So, during this time I have been overwhelmed with emotions. I have sobbed my heart out. My solar plexus which is the energy centre for self love and self nurturing felt like it had completely collapsed and I felt like I didn't even want to get out of bed. I even felt like I just wanted to run away from it all.
In this time I have also taken steps each day to nurture myself even when I didn't feel like it. I got out of bed, I went for a walk, I went to the gym, I meditated. I wrote through the pain. I kept going gently one step at a time even when I didn't feel like it.
Then, this morning I turned the corner and came home to my heart.
The most powerful thing I did was I cared for ‘me’ throughout this time. I cared for and loved the 'inner child’ who was sobbing for her life … the little girl who was lost and alone and felt like no one understood her … the little girl who ‘didn't fit in' … the little girl ‘who just knew' … and through it all I found my little girl has grown into a radiant compassionate loving woman who knows how to find her way home to the love in her heart, and then share her wisdom and experience to help others.
When I look back I see I have spent a lifetime learning, making great choices, making mistakes, falling apart, healing myself and healing others. I am a sensitive intuitive just born to be ‘me’.
I've been sharing my story on Facebook now for nearly two years to help others who are grieving for the loss of a loved one. My page has now passed 8,000 likes and that makes it worth getting up every single day.
Why you say?
It’s about the people behind the likes and how my page helps them.
It all began with my first book: ‘MUM MOMENTS – Journey Through Grief’. On my Facebook page I shared excerpts from my grief journals and invited others to share their thoughts and feelings. Those who read my words said “I gave them permission to feel” and helped them realise they were not alone. Knowing my words supported others in their grieving process is heart warming.
Now, with the launch of my second book, ‘HEARTSPACE – Letters To My Mother’ the journey continues. Through writing I express and share my feelings with my mother just as I did in our conversations when she was alive. This has allowed our relationship to grow and unfold in ways I could never have imagined.
My readers discover that ‘Love Transcends Death’ and there are many ways to stay connected with our loved ones. They are given the opportunity to explore how they can stay connected too
“… Judy lives the reality that death is not the end, that love and a relationship are much stronger than death. Her heartfelt letters to her mother offer a clear insight into the power of this Love. By sharing this journey others will gain strength and confidence to grow their relationship with their loved ones.”
Glen Lord, President - The Grief Toolbox, President - Compassionate Friends USA
“Judy Taylor is a beautiful example of living from the heart, not the head. Her messages spread light around the world. What a true blessing … I love it! Very raw and honest. Very, very powerful. I think that is what the world needs....authenticity.”
Lynda Cheldelin Fell, President - National Grief & Hope Coalition, Creator – Grief Diaries
“… The focus is less on dwelling on loss and more on living a full and meaningful life. Lessons we learn from our deceased loved ones are priceless in showing us how to live in the moment and be truly present. It's to Judy's credit that she opens her heart so that we can heal ours.”
Rose Inserra, Best Selling author - ‘Dictionary of Dreams’
“’HEARTSPACE – Letters To My Mother’ reveals that, through letter-writing to a loved one our heartfelt emotions can be expressed in a healthy and healing way. It beautifully shows that our connections never have to end and our relationships can become eve closer.”
Christine Duminiak, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist & Author – ‘Grammy Visits From Heaven’
What readers say about ‘MUM MOMENTS - Journey Through Grief” (2014)
“I highly recommend it!! Just finished it last night! Amazing and touching!”
“I love your story and your true honesty and rawness. It speaks deep within from your soul.”
Angela Cartwright (President National Grief Awareness)
“… I bought this book on Amazon and loved it so much that I bought the hard copy too - it really helped me after losing my dad and I passed it onto my mum who has said it has greatly helped her too. I can't recommend this book highly enough for anyone who has lost a loved one.”
Trudy Brookes - Rainbow Rays Reiki
“I LOVE this book it has helped me tremendously and continues to help me. For anyone going through grief I would highly recommend it… It's a long road, and I miss (my parents) so much. Sometimes there are just no words”
Doris Pelletier Jarvis
“I have just been reading your book and so many things you write hit home. I lost my mum suddenly last year (she was 62) she died unexpectedly … I never got to say goodbye to her… Thank you for your journey and sharing it with others, Judy”
“I was at Judy Taylor's Mum Moments book launch last year… I lost my mum just on 12 months ago. I only just recently picked up Jude's book to read. I laughed, cried and could relate to her story in so many ways… I am blessed to have met you and share your journey. You are an inspiration…”
“Thank you the tears I have being trying to hide are flowing freely after reading nearly half of your beautiful book I look forward to finding peace in writing to my mum thanks it is a big help xx”
“Jude, while reading your book I feel so connected with my Mom. Spirituality lifted… Truly Amazing! Thank you for sharing your Journey!.. Just what I need! God Bless XO”
“I thoroughly enjoyed reading Mum Moments. Having lost my mom unexpectedly last November, so much of what Judy wrote really hit home. I know that I will read it multiple times as I continue on my own journey through the unspeakable grief that comes from suddenly losing my mom and best friend.”
Denise Fleming (Kindle edition)
Judy was tested when her mother died suddenly in February 2011. To deal with her grief she began writing her thoughts and feelings down which provided her with personal comfort and support. She soon found friends and colleagues were touched by her words and was encouraged to share her writings to help others. This led to the self-publication of both her books.
Now, as a successful author, social media facilitator and speaker, Judy has found her niche helping others deal with their own grief and grieving processes.
‘HEARTSPACE – Letters To My Mother’
ISBN - Paperback: 978-0-9924900-4-1
ISBN – Ebook: 978-0-9924900-3-4
Okay ... I was caught up in some grief a friend is experiencing right now and somehow our conversation about something unrelated triggered responses that left us both feeling awful, like wounded children.
It became clear to me I needed to step out and go for a walk. I listened to my inner voice guiding me and went for that walk.
I began sobbing and sat down and wrote down exactly how I was feeling and by the time I had finished I felt a sense of calm.
Being human means we often have unresolved pain wounds which can be triggered by all sorts of things. In my experience they can be triggered in conversations that are often not directly related to the pain. I have found that stepping away from conversations with others at these times and listening to my inner voice, or writing my feelings down helps me gain an understanding of myself and what is happening with me. Writing is a powerful healing tool.
The added bonus from me getting to know myself and being more self aware is that sometimes I can recognise when others are triggered too. At these times I can often respond to them with compassion rather than reacting to my own issues. Sometimes I do this well… other times not.
My life is a work in progress where I do the best I can to live in the moment.
My wish is by sharing both my vulnerabilities and my strengths that I will help others to embrace their own personal healing journey.
Thank you for being here.
As I sit in the sorrow of the loss of life in Lebanon and Paris through the act of terrorism in the last few days I observe a love so deep in my heart that cannot be destroyed by these senseless acts.
At times this is more easily said than done.
Sometimes the pain inflicted by human beings on each other is so deep that it feels impossible to find my way through. The darkness is so overwhelming that I feel like sobbing. I feel it is impossible to move this pain and I allow myself to sit and write the pain.
As I write I know in my heart there is a way through and all I have to do is open to Love and allow love to radiate from within me and share it with everyone that crosses my path.
If each of us digs deep into our hearts in our darkest moments I believe we can find Love and share it so others can feel it too.
I may not have all the answers ... I do have Love to see me through.
May Love see us all through this experience called life.
Copyright (C) 2015 Judy Taylor
My immediate family I love and cherish, and while we bring out the best and worst in each other we do celebrations well. My birth family is a mixture and sadly there are many separations.
At this time of year I would love to say to everyone: “let's let go of the differences and come together to acknowledge we are family.” Through it all it would be wonderful for love and respect to shine through.
This is not the case, and as I have discovered over many years, I am not alone with this experience.
It is with trepidation that this year I am willing to acknowledge well in advance that 'the happy family' is not going to happen beyond my immediate family.
So it's time to plan ahead to embrace the loved ones that are happy for the connection and friends who bring joy to my heart.
I hope you too can embrace loved ones and friends who light up your life.
This past week I have been feeling so very heavy. It’s like I am in the middle of soft padding that envelopes me from way deep inside.
My sister died and that’s what it is. She wanted to go and was so looking forward to the journey. Her Angels/Guides have helped her by cushioning us from the immediate grief. I believe they have done this so our emotions don’t get in the way of her passing. That’s how I feel it, anyway.
To understand that statement you really needed to have known my sister. Not just a shallow ‘Hi, how you going” acquaintance but more to have been a part of her inner circle of colleagues and friends and patients… those who ‘knew’ her. These were the only people who understood what she did for a living, so to speak. She didn’t say much about her work or her life and that goes way back, too.
I cry with sad happiness that my beautiful sister has ‘gone home’ again. While we didn’t manage to cross paths so much in these last years I will always miss her. I know she is in my heart space and helped me in this lifetime in ways I can never explain or fully comprehend. Even when we were younger her generosity shone through. That’s what good sisters do. It’s part of the life and living process we share.
She was one of the few people who tried to never judge another as she understood we are all on a journey and it’s not an easy ride. She hardly ever gave an opinion without being asked, something I’m not sure I am capable of. She felt a darkness in so many technologies and preferred to live ‘with’ people rather than via computers. I know she tried them once, didn’t like it and let it all go.
While her body slowly fell apart from childhood ailments she had the most wonderful smile. She always saw the best in everyone, even those whose confusions tried to bring others down.
Light always casts shadows unless, perhaps, it shines within a place where there is only Light.
Aloha Marilyn. Our beautiful sister.
A whirlwind of emotions and feelings are presenting as my 60th birthday draws close.
Last Thursday I received a phone call to say my Dad's heart condition has deteriorated and the earliest they could operate is this Friday which is my birthday.
My sister in law died on Saturday night 4 weeks after being diagnosed with incurable cancer.
My 'Living in the Moment' way of life is challenging me to embrace it all.
In the early hours of this morning I had a dream where I was sitting in a cafe and my mum walked past. I called her in, we had a huge, beautiful hug and she let me know she is always with me… and then I woke up.
I attempted to go back into a dream state to see her again however she let me know that that was enough and that she is always with me.
Since she died 4½ years ago I so wanted her to present in physical form like this, just like the stories of contacts others had shared with me. I came to an acceptance this was not the way my mum and I were going to connect.
My writing became my most powerful way to connect with her and talking to her just as we had in life became a natural part of our connection. This has sustained me and continues to be a wonderful way to continue our relationship.
In the past week I have not been connecting with her as I have been overwhelmed with all that is happening here in our lives. So this morning she has opened me to a new connection through dreams.
I have sobbed tears of joy today for seeing her, hugging her and talking to her in my dream. It was so powerful.
More importantly, I have sobbed tears of joy and sadness as I recognise if this had happened in the early days I may never have written my journal, never have developed a way to communicate with her through my writing and talking to her which has opened me up to the power of love and the magnificence of life beyond death.
Sharing my story through publishing my journal ‘Mum Moments- Journey Through Grief’ as a book in 2014 has now helped and supported people worldwide. I get so many messages of thanks it makes it all worthwhile.
My Facebook page ‘Mum Moments- Journey Through Grief’offers love comfort and support daily around the world and helps people realise they are not alone. It feels so good to be helping in this way.
I have just completed editing my 2nd book with a working title 'Heartspace - Letters to my Mother’. I ran a workshop last week and plan to run more titled 'Love Transcends Death - Staying Connected' because I know in my heart when we set the intention our loved ones present in a way we can receive them.
All this may not have happened if my mum had presented in my dreams in those early days, or through the weeks, months and years after she died.
Oh my God Mum, you truly have been with me every step of the way. You have never left my side. I love you so much and I hear you say "I love you too, Jude". You are the only one who says it that way.
Love radiates everywhere.
Author of ‘Mum Moments - Journey Through Grief’
If you would like support on your journey please explore our website.
You can join our mailing list to keep in touch with future workshops and events.
My books, ‘MUM MOMENTS – Journey Through Grief’ and
'HEARTSPACE - Letters To My Mother' are available for purchase worldwide from our website: www.positivesigns.com.au and most major online retailers.
You can also ask your bookstore to order it in if it’s not on the shelf.
In 21 days I turn 60.
Each birthday since my mum died I ponder what she was doing as my birth approached. Did she have time to be present with my impending birth? Was she too busy to enjoy the moment whilst caring for her 2 other children both under 3 years of age? Then I think it doesn't really matter. We were together connected through love. I was warm and cosy in her womb. This was the best cuddle ever.
I know now this connection is more powerful than any human experience, more powerful than any connection in the physical world and transcends life and death. I feel this connection every single day and it brings joy to my heart even though the tears are flowing freely as I write.
I feel you everywhere mum. I feel the warmth of snuggling up in your womb, I feel the warmth of your love and I will continue to talk to you, walk with you, laugh with you, cry with you, write to you and connect with you forever.
I now know there is connection in the afterlife and it can be just as good as it was in life.