Category: Fear

A Different Kind Of Grief

1/2/2017

by Judy Taylor

I'm grieving.

It's a different type of grief to my mother’s sudden death.

This grief is profound. This is grieving for the living. This is grieving for a relationship where the reality is, ‘there is no resolution’.

This grief requires me digging deep to find acceptance, love, compassion and understanding for myself in a situation that is beyond repair. Some days, some times, I can do this. However, at other times and on other days I find it difficult or even impossible.

So, on my good days I meditate, I walk, I talk, I write, I hug, I observe my emotions and feelings, and I make choices for the benefit of my highest good and the highest good of all concerned. On my bad days I sob my heart out for the experience I am going through. I ache for a resolution that is not possible. I ask for understanding and support from those close to me, and I do the same things that I do on my good days … if I can.

In my own personal experience I know:
- There is no recipe for grieving.
- In any given moment the feelings come and go.
- Live in the moment.

Whatever you are grieving for, grief can take you completely by surprise. Taking time to recognise and acknowledge you are grieving, then observing your emotions and feelings, will empower you to make the best choice for you in any circumstance.

Self-awareness is your greatest gift when you are grieving because it allows you to help yourself.
Self-awareness also guides you when it's is time to reach out and ask for help.
Listen to your inner guidance and you will know.

May love, light and healing present in your life every day.

Jude xoxoxo

PS: At the end of writing this I sat here with the feeling: "I am so proud of myself" … and I am. I believe facing ‘all of me’, both the light and dark side, is one of the most empowering things I will ever do in my life.

Thank you to my husband John, my kids and my close friends who have supported me when I needed it most.

LINKS

Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/Judy-Taylor-Grief-Healing-Love-Inspiration-Hope-724885690872207/
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/JudyTaylor2014
Amazon Author’s page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B018LQJ5SC
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Triggered by Suicide

5/10/2016

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by Judy Taylor

Today my writing is triggered by the word 'Suicide'.

When I was a little girl I used to think: "if I die, they will be sorry".

Now I'm 61 I know that: “if I die, I will be the one being sorry”.

I have so much love in my heart to share with the world.

My life has been a roller coaster of emotions and I wear my heart on my sleeve. This has made my life particularly challenging and at times completely overwhelmed me.

I have come to accept me more and more over recent times and recognise many people will have their emotions triggered by my raw and honest sharing. I also know that my sharing will help many on their own personal journey.

So I will write, I will share, I will wear my heart on my sleeve because maybe, just maybe my words will trigger your emotions.

Just maybe my words will give you hope.

Maybe you will recognise that, through the trials and tribulations of life, that YOU are Love and 'Life is worth living'.

I hope so.

Jude xoxoxo

LINKS
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/Judy-Taylor-Grief-Healing-Love-Inspiration-Hope-724885690872207/
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/JudyTaylor2014
Amazon Author’s page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B018LQJ5SC
Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPGoVDdQ3PG1YLJs4fA3QgA
Join Our Mailing List:
http://www.positivesigns.com.au/join-mailing-list.html
Audio Visualisations:
http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/PositiveSigns

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My Mother Collapsed Yesterday And The Doctor Was Called – by John Taylor

3/7/2016

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My mother collapsed yesterday and the doctor was called. She lives in a retirement village in Sydney and I live in Melbourne. My sister rang with the news and provided updates as the doctor decided hospital was a good idea and an ambulance was called.

Pneumonia in her right lung is the diagnosis with assurances she is in good hands. My sister is keeping tabs on everything.

Its moments like this when reality sweeps in and bites you on the bum. While my mum doesn’t have a lot to say about much of anything she is still my mother, the woman who raised three children and looked after us as best she could. The fact she herself is the result of an over domineering father and a soft pampered mother who couldn’t cope with raising her own two kids resulted in my mother lacking a confidence in her own abilities so much of the time. She admitted once that she used to go back to bed at one time when the last of us was finally out the door and off to school.

I think I’m reminiscing here because my mother’s mortality is suddenly in my face. She’s 94 and I thought I was prepared for whatever might suddenly happen with her but yesterday’s call shows I was wrong. As John Lennon sings, ‘you don’t know what you got until you lose it’. My mum is still hanging in there but the fact she is no longer invincible is more real this morning than it was 24 hours ago. And I feel a fear with that now.
She’s my mother... the woman I instinctively turned to as a child, the woman who nursed me, cared for me and helped me get through childhood. She did what she could as well as she could and I will always always love her unconditionally for that.

So now I wait for the next update from my sister who has been managing my mother’s affairs and everything else to do with her primary care and wellbeing for the last few years. I don’t know what I’d be doing without her steady hand. Sydney is only a short plane trip away but my sister assures me the doctors are confident for now that she should come through and be back in the retirement village as soon as possible.

Words...

Yes my mother will die at some time as I will. We don’t know when but that simple fact is inevitable. We all die.
So why is that impending feeling of loss so unsettling? Mum said years ago that she was tired of it all yet her strong constitution defies her body which just keeps pulling her along. I expect that to be what happens now. I expect her to be getting a telegram from the Queen or King Charles or whoever when she reaches 100. She may still break the records for world’s oldest living human being.

I’m scared anyway. She’s my mum after all and now she’s got pneumonia. I’m down here and she’s up there. She’s probably ok. We’ll know more tomorrow.

I love you mum.

PS: It’s the day after and my sister reports mum is looking soooooo much better today than yesterday when she was looking like crap, constantly removing the oxygen mask and pulling out the monitor things. Her amazing nurses report she’s keeping them on their toes. My sister got a bedside phone set up and we rang her this afternoon and I managed some chat between the coughing.

She’s still right in the middle of this and fragile, and her usual confusions are there, but I did get a laugh or two. For me that is a reassuring indicator that I can maybe call the Queen back and re-book that telegram. Wishful thinking? I hope not.

Go mum.

_______________________________

LINKS
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Twitter: https://twitter.com/JudyTaylor2014
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPGoVDdQ3PG1YLJs4fA3QgA
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Outside My Comfort Zone

22/3/2016

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Today I had a project I was working on which took me outside my comfort zone and I so wanted someone else to fix it for me.

John refused to rescue me. I was not happy.

I was stuck and reaching outside of me for the solution ... and then 'I got it'. My intuition reminded me to do what I do best in these situations: "write it out".

So I did ... It started with acknowledging "I'm stuck" and the words flowed from there.

In a short period of time my overview was complete and I was no longer 'stuck',

Reminder to me ... recognise and acknowledge my fears and listen to my intuition.

I now appreciate John's resistance to rescue me. It worked.