Category: Blog

A Different Kind Of Grief

1/2/2017

by Judy Taylor

I'm grieving.

It's a different type of grief to my mother’s sudden death.

This grief is profound. This is grieving for the living. This is grieving for a relationship where the reality is, ‘there is no resolution’.

This grief requires me digging deep to find acceptance, love, compassion and understanding for myself in a situation that is beyond repair. Some days, some times, I can do this. However, at other times and on other days I find it difficult or even impossible.

So, on my good days I meditate, I walk, I talk, I write, I hug, I observe my emotions and feelings, and I make choices for the benefit of my highest good and the highest good of all concerned. On my bad days I sob my heart out for the experience I am going through. I ache for a resolution that is not possible. I ask for understanding and support from those close to me, and I do the same things that I do on my good days … if I can.

In my own personal experience I know:
- There is no recipe for grieving.
- In any given moment the feelings come and go.
- Live in the moment.

Whatever you are grieving for, grief can take you completely by surprise. Taking time to recognise and acknowledge you are grieving, then observing your emotions and feelings, will empower you to make the best choice for you in any circumstance.

Self-awareness is your greatest gift when you are grieving because it allows you to help yourself.
Self-awareness also guides you when it's is time to reach out and ask for help.
Listen to your inner guidance and you will know.

May love, light and healing present in your life every day.

Jude xoxoxo

PS: At the end of writing this I sat here with the feeling: "I am so proud of myself" … and I am. I believe facing ‘all of me’, both the light and dark side, is one of the most empowering things I will ever do in my life.

Thank you to my husband John, my kids and my close friends who have supported me when I needed it most.

LINKS

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Love Is The Answer

11/12/2016

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Love is the answer

Many people throughout my life have told me they loved me. To them I say, “thank you”.

However, there is one person that is more important than all these people, one person I really need to love me… and that person is me.

You see, I know Jude intimately. I know her strengths and weaknesses, I know her joys and her laughters… and I also know her pain and her suffering.

I know that when I accept Jude as she is, all of her, and love her just the way she is, that I am experiencing a true love.

I know when I feel love deep inside of me and allow the love to support me every step of the way, that I will accept Love as the truth of who I am.

With this knowing I often say to people, “do you feel loved?” as an alternative to, “I love you”, because I know that if someone says to me, “I love you”, but I am not feeling much self-love at the time, then it’s difficult to believe them.

So, take a moment to embrace my thoughts. Then, if they resonate for you, practice loving yourself… all of you… the whole package … warts and all… and notice the effect this has on your life.

Love really is the answer.

Jude xoxoxo

by Judy Taylor

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Triggered by Suicide

5/10/2016

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by Judy Taylor

Today my writing is triggered by the word 'Suicide'.

When I was a little girl I used to think: "if I die, they will be sorry".

Now I'm 61 I know that: “if I die, I will be the one being sorry”.

I have so much love in my heart to share with the world.

My life has been a roller coaster of emotions and I wear my heart on my sleeve. This has made my life particularly challenging and at times completely overwhelmed me.

I have come to accept me more and more over recent times and recognise many people will have their emotions triggered by my raw and honest sharing. I also know that my sharing will help many on their own personal journey.

So I will write, I will share, I will wear my heart on my sleeve because maybe, just maybe my words will trigger your emotions.

Just maybe my words will give you hope.

Maybe you will recognise that, through the trials and tribulations of life, that YOU are Love and 'Life is worth living'.

I hope so.

Jude xoxoxo

LINKS
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Another birthday ... This journey is not easy ...

26/8/2016

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So I sit here and contemplate another birthday with my mum in spirit.

I have developed a beautiful relationship with her which truly transcends life on earth. We talk, we chat and signs present everywhere which have helped me to know our relationship is strong and lives forever.

Yet I still long at times for her physical presence, I still long for her to walk up the pathway and for her to be here and hug me when I need one.

It is strange at times for it to be like this. Yes, we have such a wonderful relationship yet I still ache for her to physically be here with me.

She has taught me so much since she transitioned to her new life, a life I can only imagine. She has helped me embrace the frailties of being human, to express myself fully which has enriched my life as it is now, to embrace the confusions and perceptions I always just accepted, and to get to know myself as a more whole and beautiful person.

In some ways it is like her death has re-birthed me and I have become a child again. It’s like my sensitivities and awareness have opened my heart allowing me to express myself more fully.

This has been oh so hard in many ways because I had been living my life based on perceptions of me I had embraced as a toddler and child, and then continued to embrace as a teenager and young adult which manifested into me as an adult.

My relationship with myself and others throughout my life has been based on these perceptions, and in all honesty I'm standing right here right now saying these perceptions are not true. These perceptions are false and as I get to know me better I can honestly say that I am Love… and that is all that really matters.

I have sat with my own pain and suffering and sobbed my heart out so many times. I know I will be doing all that again. What I have found each time I have gone inside of me and sobbed through my pain is that Love is always waiting on the other side of my tears.

I am so proud of me. This journey is not easy. However, I know it is the only way for me, and I know my mum is right there beside me encouraging me every step of the way.

Thank you mum. I'm right here too and together we walk the path of Love.

Jude xoxoxo

LINKS:
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The HOLIDAY I Needed ... the HOLIDAY I Got ...

20/7/2016

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Holidays are a great place to come home to the heart.

Port Douglas for 7 days. A dream holiday to escape winter.

Yes I did it… we drew on the 'FI Account' and booked a last minute deal with only 5 sleeps till we stepped on the plane and arrived at our beautiful tropical apartment with all the comforts we needed and literally a 2 minute walk to the beach.

All I wanted to do was relax by the pool, walk along the beach, swim, read my book and share the experience with John. We were in our own pocket of Paradise; so content cooking delicious meals on the BBQ, sipping on lattes and wine and enjoying just being. We both had new books to read and the TV remained off.

On day three John was feeling exhausted and not so enthusiastic about joining me for a walk saying: "I am so glad we booked this holiday. I really needed it". By day 4 his exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm hit him hard and it was obvious a bug had set in. First some coughing, then a runny nose and finally a headache that kept getting worse and finally became a migraine. So day 4, 5 and 6 of our holiday became a wipeout for John and the dream holiday experience for us as a couple became a nightmare!

So here I was with the holiday I wanted suddenly taken away from me. A roller coaster of emotions and feelings surfaced as I observed the situation and reflected on how it all turned out to be like this.

Ah yes… the back story.

Back to the week earlier when I booked the holiday package on the Thursday and our flight was early the following Tuesday.

On the Friday night John’s band was playing and one of the band members asked John for a lift to the gig. Halfway there he told us he was really sick with a bug!!!!!! I opened my window at that point! Not impressed! The next night - Saturday - they had another gig two hours away and he had already asked John for a lift to that as well. Why take two cars all that distance? But now I said to John, "not a good idea driving all that way with him so sick. Remember we have a holiday booked next week". Though concerned, John kept to the arrangement. They spent two hours driving there and two hours driving back on Saturday night!

So now, here we are in tropical Queensland on our amazing holiday and John has come down with the bug big time! It’s only day four!!! I was so pissed off and the emotions were bursting inside of me and out of me in waves.

WHOA!!!

This was a time to embrace all my feelings and find a way to make the most of the holiday… FOR ME!!!

So I allowed myself to walk with my anger along 4 mile beach and dug deep inside to find the essence of what this experience was triggering in me. It was deep… the feelings of 'you just have to understand'… 'this is the way it is'… 'you will just have to wait'… 'this is more important'… 'your needs will have to be put on hold'…

So, in essence, my programming was getting in the way of my needs.

So what happened?

Firstly I acknowledged the situation. The holiday I wanted with John was no longer happening, that was clear.
Secondly I expressed my feelings to John reminding him of 'the back story'. I really needed to get that off my chest. That said, my man was sick so I also expressed compassion. This was no fun for him either.
Thirdly I sprinkled eucalyptus oil all round the apartment to protect myself from his bug.
Fourthly, and most importantly, I made MY now solo holiday MY priority.

Everyday I had several walks along the beach. I swam in the warm ocean, I swam in the pool, I read my book. I treated myself to lattes and brunches overlooking the water at the marina. I met some wonderful people. I laughed, I cried, I felt pissed off then I enjoyed the freedom of being me again.

Some days were sunny, some were cloudy and some were raining. All in all the perfect environment for me to be in touch with all my emotions and feelings and celebrate being me.

Day 7 was the icing on the cake. While John was still weak he was able to join me at the marina and share some of the delights I had discovered and experienced while he lay in bed. The bonus was the sun that now came shining through even though the weather bureau had forecast heavy rain and possible storms on our last day in paradise.

As I reflect now ... It was the holiday I needed.

From John’s perspective I’m not so sure he would agree it was exactly the holiday he had in mind.

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I Miss My Mum Today

3/7/2016

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Okay ... Today is one of those days when "I miss my mum". Can you relate?

Late last night my 94 year old mother-in-law was taken by ambulance from her nursing home to hospital with pneumonia.

In simple terms she is fragile and life is day by day. In reality life is day by day for us all. There are many twists and turns in life and I know the best I can do is value each moment.

As I write I am reminded of a favourite saying of mine: "I ask for help and guidance as I continue to follow the pathway for the benefit of my highest good and the highest good of all concerned" - author unknown.

So tonight I will burn a candle and wish for the best outcome without knowing just what that is.

May love sustain us all through our day to day living.

Jude xoxoxo

_________________

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Outside My Comfort Zone

22/3/2016

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Today I had a project I was working on which took me outside my comfort zone and I so wanted someone else to fix it for me.

John refused to rescue me. I was not happy.

I was stuck and reaching outside of me for the solution ... and then 'I got it'. My intuition reminded me to do what I do best in these situations: "write it out".

So I did ... It started with acknowledging "I'm stuck" and the words flowed from there.

In a short period of time my overview was complete and I was no longer 'stuck',

Reminder to me ... recognise and acknowledge my fears and listen to my intuition.

I now appreciate John's resistance to rescue me. It worked.

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Here We Go Again - Grief … Holidays, Christmas & Celebrations …

12/11/2015

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Here we go again ... the words that can trigger reactions around the world ... 'Holidays' ... 'Christmas'

A time of celebration for many. A time of pain for those grieving for the 'happy family syndrome', a situation that doesn't exist for everyone … and for those grieving the loss of a loved one.

My immediate family I love and cherish, and while we bring out the best and worst in each other we do celebrations well. My birth family is a mixture and sadly there are many separations.

At this time of year I would love to say to everyone: “let's let go of the differences and come together to acknowledge we are family.” Through it all it would be wonderful for love and respect to shine through.

This is not the case, and as I have discovered over many years, I am not alone with this experience.

It is with trepidation that this year I am willing to acknowledge well in advance that 'the happy family' is not going to happen beyond my immediate family.

So it's time to plan ahead to embrace the loved ones that are happy for the connection and friends who bring joy to my heart.

I hope you too can embrace loved ones and friends who light up your life.

Jude xoxoxo

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Aloha, Beautiful Sister - by John Taylor

1/9/2015

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This past week I have been feeling so very heavy. It’s like I am in the middle of soft padding that envelopes me from way deep inside.

My sister died and that’s what it is. She wanted to go and was so looking forward to the journey. Her Angels/Guides have helped her by cushioning us from the immediate grief. I believe they have done this so our emotions don’t get in the way of her passing. That’s how I feel it, anyway.

To understand that statement you really needed to have known my sister. Not just a shallow ‘Hi, how you going” acquaintance but more to have been a part of her inner circle of colleagues and friends and patients… those who ‘knew’ her. These were the only people who understood what she did for a living, so to speak. She didn’t say much about her work or her life and that goes way back, too.

I cry with sad happiness that my beautiful sister has ‘gone home’ again. While we didn’t manage to cross paths so much in these last years I will always miss her. I know she is in my heart space and helped me in this lifetime in ways I can never explain or fully comprehend. Even when we were younger her generosity shone through. That’s what good sisters do. It’s part of the life and living process we share.

She was one of the few people who tried to never judge another as she understood we are all on a journey and it’s not an easy ride. She hardly ever gave an opinion without being asked, something I’m not sure I am capable of. She felt a darkness in so many technologies and preferred to live ‘with’ people rather than via computers. I know she tried them once, didn’t like it and let it all go.

While her body slowly fell apart from childhood ailments she had the most wonderful smile. She always saw the best in everyone, even those whose confusions tried to bring others down.

Light always casts shadows unless, perhaps, it shines within a place where there is only Light.

Aloha Marilyn. Our beautiful sister.

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Last Night My Mum Hugged Me In A Dream...

25/8/2015

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A whirlwind of emotions and feelings are presenting as my 60th birthday draws close.
Last Thursday I received a phone call to say my Dad's heart condition has deteriorated and the earliest they could operate is this Friday which is my birthday.

My sister in law died on Saturday night 4 weeks after being diagnosed with incurable cancer.

My 'Living in the Moment' way of life is challenging me to embrace it all.

In the early hours of this morning I had a dream where I was sitting in a cafe and my mum walked past. I called her in, we had a huge, beautiful hug and she let me know she is always with me… and then I woke up.

I attempted to go back into a dream state to see her again however she let me know that that was enough and that she is always with me.

Since she died 4½ years ago I so wanted her to present in physical form like this, just like the stories of contacts others had shared with me. I came to an acceptance this was not the way my mum and I were going to connect.

My writing became my most powerful way to connect with her and talking to her just as we had in life became a natural part of our connection. This has sustained me and continues to be a wonderful way to continue our relationship.

In the past week I have not been connecting with her as I have been overwhelmed with all that is happening here in our lives. So this morning she has opened me to a new connection through dreams.

I have sobbed tears of joy today for seeing her, hugging her and talking to her in my dream. It was so powerful.

More importantly, I have sobbed tears of joy and sadness as I recognise if this had happened in the early days I may never have written my journal, never have developed a way to communicate with her through my writing and talking to her which has opened me up to the power of love and the magnificence of life beyond death.

Sharing my story through publishing my journal ‘Mum Moments- Journey Through Grief’ as a book in 2014 has now helped and supported people worldwide. I get so many messages of thanks it makes it all worthwhile.

My Facebook page ‘Mum Moments- Journey Through Grief’offers love comfort and support daily around the world and helps people realise they are not alone. It feels so good to be helping in this way.

I have just completed editing my 2nd book with a working title 'Heartspace - Letters to my Mother’. I ran a workshop last week and plan to run more titled 'Love Transcends Death - Staying Connected' because I know in my heart when we set the intention our loved ones present in a way we can receive them.

All this may not have happened if my mum had presented in my dreams in those early days, or through the weeks, months and years after she died.

Oh my God Mum, you truly have been with me every step of the way. You have never left my side. I love you so much and I hear you say "I love you too, Jude". You are the only one who says it that way.

Love radiates everywhere.

Jude xoxoxo

Judy Taylor
Author of ‘Mum Moments - Journey Through Grief’

If you would like support on your journey please explore our website.
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My books, ‘MUM MOMENTS – Journey Through Grief’ and
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You can also ask your bookstore to order it in if it’s not on the shelf.